SIX QUESTIONS A NARCISSIST CAN’T ANSWER
By: Khalif Barkhadle
Digital Journalist
Published On. 23rd June 2024.

Narcissists want you to think that they always have everything under control, but some things are beyond the scope of their understanding, and that’s why they simply cannot answer the six questions I’m about to share with you on this topic. You might be surprised to hear that there are questions that narcissists can’t answer because they always seem to have an answer for everything, don’t they?

But what stands out about the questions on this list is that they touch on things that the narcissist can’t access, and I’ll explain why as we go through each of these six questions. Be sure to read until the end because the last one pulls it all together and highlights the frustration of dealing with a narcissist. So let’s start;

Number 1: “What makes you happy?”.
If a narcissist were truly honest in answering this question, the answer would be “nothing.” Narcissists tend to look for things to make them happy, and yes, one of those things is supply, and that often means a new relationship. You were once the thing—the supply—that made the narcissist happy, and this would have been in the idealization phase. This is when they’re idealizing you and they think you’re amazing, before the devaluation phase where things start falling apart. But happiness is an inside job. External things can’t sustain your happiness for very long if you’re truly unhappy inside.

So, when you ask what makes a narcissist happy, you might hear about their new car, relationship, or job, but ask the same question a few months later, and you’re likely to get a different answer. And if they don’t point to an object or something that’s currently providing supply, they might just tell you what they think you want to hear: “You make me happy” or “My kids make me happy.” But you’ll notice that they’re just as miserable around you and their kids, or whatever it was they told you, as ever. And you’ll also notice that they can’t be bothered to spend time with or around this apparent source of happiness. Curious, isn’t it?
Number 2: “Why do you keep discarding me and then coming back around?”.
This is for the narcissists who discard and then hoover that is, they’ll end the relationship, usually in a very brutal and sudden way, and then they’ll come crawling back days, weeks, or months later. But the narcissists who discard and Hoover can’t, for the life of them, explain why they’re doing it. They’re back because they realize you’re their soulmate, and they were just too distracted to see it before, or at least that’s what they want you to think. Ask them at any other time when they’re not actively hoovering, and they’ll probably just shrug it off and call the question ridiculous:

“Why do you ask such ridiculous questions?” Or, and this is common, they’ll blame it on you: “I really want to be with you, but I just can’t stand when you hold me accountable.” They won’t say that; that last part was a bit of truth seeping in. Whatever answer they’re giving you gives the impression that they’re really trying so hard, but it’s not working because there’s something wrong with you.

Understand that there’s nothing wrong with you. Sure, you’re not perfect, but this whole discard and Hoover thing isn’t because of anything you’ve done. It’s the way the narcissist operates; it’s the way they have to operate, and you would have ended up here no matter what you said or did.

Number 3: “What would you change about yourself?”.
The kind of answer you’ll get if you ask a narcissist this question is along the lines of, “Why mess with perfection?” You may get a more honest answer from a vulnerable narcissist, depending on when you ask, but this will usually be surface level and maybe even something that they can’t change, like “I would turn my brown eyes green.” And while that’s not the wrong answer, the narcissist isn’t going to get too deep with this one.

Number 4: “Why do you deserve this thing that you seem to feel entitled to?”.
They don’t have an answer because there is no answer. To them, they deserve it just because they do. That might be the answer that you get if you ask a narcissist this question, but if somebody feels entitled to something, they feel that they’ve earned something, they will have an answer for you: “I feel entitled to this promotion because I worked so hard to get where I am, where I made a whole bunch of money for this company, and I deserve a little bit of a raise.”

But a narcissist doesn’t do those things, so they might say, “Oh yeah, I worked really hard,” or something like that, but it’s not true. They can’t give you a true answer to why they are entitled to something because it just is. It’s, they just are, by nature of who they are and their greatness. They are entitled to all sorts of things, and the working example is just an example. Some narcissists value work and making money above all, and they’re very successful, but they still feel entitled to things they don’t fully deserve in other areas.
Number 5: “What is love?” Or “Why do you love me?.
What do you love about me?” It’s very difficult for a narcissist to answer this question because they don’t really have an understanding of love. They often confuse lust with love, and they definitely confuse infatuation with love. But these things aren’t love. These are things that fade away over time, and this confusion is why a narcissist will so early on profess their love to you because they think that that’s what love is, but it really isn’t.

And so, when you get into the stage where you actually might start to love someone for who they are, their flaws and all, that’s when the narcissist checks out because, without sufficient emotional empathy, it’s very difficult to have those deep, meaningful connections with other people.

They end up looking at relationships as very transactional, and unfortunately, because they don’t understand what love is, they don’t think anyone else does either. So, they think that everyone else views relationships in the same way that they do.
Number 6: “Why won’t you answer my question?”
If you’ve ever argued with a narcissist or if you’ve ever tried to ask them something that they’re hiding from you, you know how these conversations can go in circles. They run in circles. You will end up exactly where you started, or you will end up somewhere completely different, like on another planet.

And this is when you’ll usually encounter word salad; Word salad it’s essentially when a narcissist starts speaking nonsense. It has a different meaning outside of this context, but it does a good job of portraying the mix of things that you’ll get when you try to hold a narcissist accountable.

So, the reason why narcissists can’t answer these questions is because they don’t have the answers to them. There are, as far as they’re concerned, there are no answers. For example, love is a mysterious thing that no one understands, and they’re entitled to something just because they are.

When you ask some of these questions you might be met with frustration because they don’t have an answer for it, and especially if you’re asking them to have any sort of accountability, it’s going to irritate the narcissist, and they’re going to probably lash out at you for asking these questions that they can’t answer.
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