SEVEN WAYS A NARCISSIST DISCARD YOU.
By: Khalif Barkhadle
Digital Journalist
Published On: 1st September 2024
Today, I’m talking about the different types of discard you might experience from a narcissist. At the end of this article, I will give you five questions to ask yourself after you’ve been discarded. Okay, so let’s get started with seven types of discard you might experience with a narcissist, in no particular order.
1. Abrupt Discard:
The narcissist abruptly ends the relationship without any warning or explanation. They may disappear suddenly, ghosting you, cutting off all communication, and blocking you without rhyme or reason, and without any regard for the negative emotional impacts it has on you.
Initially, it leaves you feeling rejected, abandoned, and extremely confused as you struggle to understand what went wrong. Let me be clear: I’m not talking about ghosting you after a date or two. I’m talking about ghosting you while in a full-blown relationship. Sometimes this happens after a fight, usually one that the narcissist has concocted to give themselves a valid reason to ghost you.
2. Devaluation Discard:
In a devaluation discard, the narcissist gradually undermines and demeans you over some time, eroding your self-esteem and self-worth. As the relationship goes on, the narcissist becomes increasingly critical and contemptuous, making you feel unworthy of love and respect. Eventually, you feel so depressed and anxious that, now that they’ve sucked the life out of you and you’re feeling like trash, the narcissist no longer has any use for you. They don’t see any value in you and see you as a pathetic and useless person, wanting nothing more to do with you.
3. Replacement Discard:
A very common type of discard is the replacement discard. This occurs once the narcissist inevitably gets bored of you. You’re just not giving them those same highs anymore. Instead of ending things, they keep you around while they start searching for more exciting options. When they find a new love interest, they secretly start grooming them, usually by complaining about what a horrible and abusive partner you are and how you’re not meeting their needs. They shift their attention and affection away from you and towards their new target, almost always cheating at least emotionally, and often sexually, before ending the relationship. Narcissists almost always secure a new source before discarding you.
4. Rinse & Repeat Discard:
Here, the narcissist repeatedly discards and hoovers their partner in a never-ending cycle of love bombing, devaluation, manipulation, and abuse, followed by discard. Then the narcissist comes back, promises to change, professes their love and the cycle keeps repeating itself. This reinforces the trauma bond, making it very difficult to break free.
5. Emotional Discard:
In this type of discard, the narcissist distances themselves from you emotionally while physically remaining in the relationship. They become emotionally unavailable, cold, and indifferent towards your needs, feelings, and concerns. The narcissist stonewalls you, gives you the silent treatment, and refuses to communicate with you as a form of punishment and control.
This type of passive-aggressive discard serves to avoid accountability and working through issues, leaving you feeling neglected, rejected, isolated, and unloved. Despite the lack of emotional intimacy, the narcissist chooses to stay in the relationship for reasons like financial stability, social status, or convenience. This type of discard can be particularly damaging to your self-esteem and emotional well-being.
6. Conditional Discard:
In a conditional discard, the narcissist threatens to end the relationship unless you meet certain conditions or demands. These demands are typically arbitrary, unreasonable, and constantly changing, making it impossible for you to fulfill them. The threat of abandonment is used as a manipulation tactic to control you. To make matters worse, there are usually unbelievable double standards and contradictions, where the demands on you do not apply to them.
The relationship is conditional upon you pleasing and appeasing them, being a good servant and emotional slave. You must act on their every fantasy, demand, and need, whether it be emotional, physical, financial, or sexual. You must accept all of the blame and shame while simultaneously forgiving all of their betrayals and abuses.
7. Smear Campaign Discard:
In this type of discard, the narcissist seeks to destroy your reputation to discredit you and maintain control over the narrative of the relationship. Before even discarding you, the narcissist spreads rumors, lies, or half-truths about you to mutual friends, family members, or whoever will listen.
They portray themselves as the victim, maybe fabricating or exaggerating instances where you mistreated them, to manipulate others into seeing you as the abuser. They try to absolve themselves from any responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship. Once they discard you, you are left with all the blame, feeling isolated, mischaracterized, and ostracized, while they get all of the sympathy and support.
You may think that the smear campaign always happens when a narcissist discards you, but some narcissists try to stay friends with their exes for self-serving purposes, such as keeping them as a backup plan, maintaining access to resources, maintaining some control over them, or just maintaining a facade of maturity to deflect attention from their toxic and manipulative behavior during the relationship.
Of course, there is always the full discard, which happens when either you fully expose a narcissist or they see zero value in you. Maybe you went broke, got a serious illness, and now they see you as needy, pathetic, and worthless. In which case, they will not be coming back unless of course, you strike gold and start doing well again.
After being discarded by a narcissist, you will feel horrible. Why? Because a relationship with a narcissist involves a strong trauma bond created by cycles of love bombing, devaluation, and discard. While it may be tempting to try to salvage the relationship, it’s important to honestly examine the overall patterns of the relationship and not fool yourself into believing that things are going to be different this time around. If you’re counting on a miracle, I’d suggest you reconsider your plan.
If you’re still drawn to a narcissist after recognizing their deceit, their habit of blaming and shaming you, criticizing and demeaning you, manipulating and abusing you, and discarding you, then you need to reflect on why you continue to want them in your life. If you’re in a toxic cycle with someone you believe is a narcissist, then I would strongly suggest you reach out to a therapist in your area who can help you.
In the meantime, if you’ve been discarded, here are five questions for you to reflect on before you consider going back to that relationship:
1. What is the ratio of good times to bad times? If the balance of your relationship is seriously in the negative, you need to consider cutting your losses before it’s too late.
2. How has your psychological state and your behavior deteriorated since the beginning of this relationship?
3. How long have you been stuck in this toxic cycle?
4. Are you prepared for more manipulation, abuse, and betrayal?
5. How much more of your life are you willing to waste on this toxic person and in this toxic cycle?
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