HOW TO SHUTDOWN A NARCISSIST USING STRICT STRATEGY.
By: Khalif Barkhadle
Digital Journalist.
Published On: 23rd June 2024.
Many survivors of narcissistic abuse get frustrated with the policy of going no contact because it is not always possible, especially in cases where the narcissist you are dealing with is your co-parent, a parent you cannot let go of, your boss, a colleague, a friend, or someone else you cannot completely cut off.
So, how do you deal with such a situation?
The truth is, you have to deal with them in one way or another.
● What is the best strategy to minimize abuse, protect yourself, and shut them down
● Let’s get started with understanding and unravelling this strict strategy.
● The strict strategy stands for setting unshakable, unbreakable, and extreme boundaries.
● Narcissists see boundaries as a challenge, something they have to break one way or another because it’s all about an ego battle for them.
● There is no cooperation or mutual understanding.
●There is no respect for you at all. It’s all about winning; it’s a war for them.
● When you try to set boundaries or say, “I don’t want this,” or “I don’t want that,” they won’t care. They will target the point where it hurts the most. So, you have to set extreme boundaries.
● What does that look like? You have to be clear, extremely clear. You have to dig in the line, not just draw it.
● You have to say, “This is my area, this is my space, this is who I am, this is my identity, this is my truth, this is my reality, and that is yours.
● No trespassing is allowed.” You must be very careful not to leave them any space to exploit these boundaries.
● There should be no loopholes at all.
● You must set consequences if they break your boundaries, violate you, trespass, or do something they shouldn’t. There should be clear, firm, and very strong consequences.
● Let’s say it’s your narcissistic parent who always ridicules you, your choices, your career, your romantic life, and so on.
You have to be very clear and say, “If you do this or say this one more time, we are done.” And when they do it, you have to be done with them, no matter what they do or say about you to others. Even if they pretend to be a victim or have a heart attack, you have to tolerate the distress that creates in your body, but you have to be done. If it’s a co-parent who belittles you, you have to use that and maybe file a motion or make them face the consequences.
You have to be quite clear, cutthroat, blatant, and to the point, leaving no room for them to exploit you.
● The second part of the strict strategy, T, stands for Temper your emotions. When it comes to fighting a narcissist, you fight them on two fronts: internal and external. It all starts from the internal front. You can not fight a narcissist if you are reactive, if your emotions are unmanageable, if you are angry, or if there is unresolved resentment and pain. They will intentionally drag you into a battlefield that they have manipulated, and you are doomed to fail because they will make you react. They will say things to trigger you, and you will react, losing the battle because narcissists want control.
It doesn’t matter if you react positively or negatively; as long as you react, the game is in their hands. So, you have to work on your internal healing. You have to learn how to stay in a calm, regulated, relaxed state. You need to know how to think strategically when facing a narcissist instead of just acting on impulses.
● The third part of the strict strategy is R, stands for Recognize the tactics.
Narcissists have patterns to their behaviour.
They use certain tactics depending on the type they are—covert, overt, malignant, grandiose—to try to punish you. You have to become objective, which is only possible when you have worked on your internal front. ▪︎Once you are in control of your emotions, you have to observe how they are trying to attack you. Are they using your children against you? Are they running a smear campaign?
What are their tactics?
●What are the points of maximum risk? Once you recognize your enemy, they no longer stay an enemy.
Awareness is the key to change. You have to observe if they are guilt-tripping you, using your sense of obligation against you, or if they are weaponizing your empathy.
Recognizing their tactics and the different ways they try to attack you is crucial before you can do something about it.
● The fourth part of the strict strategy, I, stands for Ignore attention-seeking behaviour. Your attention is fuel for the narcissist. When co-parenting, they love knowing they are still in your life and can not see you growing beyond them. They might send a long email berating you or making subtle remarks to make you feel bad. You have to ignore all of that and focus on the thing that matters. If a part of the email asks when you will pick up or drop off the child, answer that and ignore the rest. Don’t get involved in their circus. If they run a smear campaign, do not justify, defend, or explain yourself. Those who truly want to be in your life will seek clarification from you and judge based on that. Ignore their attention-seeking behaviour and process any trauma or anxiety they cause in therapy or with a supportive friend, but do not show them they are affecting you.
● The fifth part of the strict strategy, C, stands for Challenge their narrative. While you should ignore their attempts to provoke you, you must also choose to speak up when necessary. Narcissists often spread blatant lies and claim to be perfect parents or partners. In such cases, you must challenge their narrative by pointing out facts and patterns of their behaviour.
Document every interaction and conversation, as this will help you compile evidence against them. Use this evidence to show they are not who they claim to be. If it’s a legal situation, bring up documented instances where they failed as a parent or partner.
Proving their lies through facts can be crucial when others are involved or when it can lead to a positive outcome.
● The sixth and final part of the strict strategy, T, stands for Take absolute control of your life. You have to heal, as mentioned earlier, but you also need to take control of the narrative.
●Narcissists want you to live in fear and shame. You must learn to present yourself confidently, especially around them.
● Work on your body language and communication style. Look them in the eye, stand firm, and show them you are not afraid. This does not mean becoming narcissistic yourself but demonstrating that you see through them and can not be messed with. Release the fear they instil in you and take control of your life. Work on your internal wounds and ensure you present yourself as the sane one in every situation. This will help others see through the narcissist’s manipulation and lies.
Thank you for taking the time to read this piece.
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