DESTROY A NARCISSIST"S GASLIGHTING USING THREE SENTENCES
By: Khalif Barkhadle
Digital Journalist
Published On: 24th June 2024
When a narcissist gaslights you, their main agenda is not just to convince you that they are telling the truth and you’re lying. No, that’s just one piece of it. Their main goal is to convince you that you do not see things correctly, that you cannot be trusted, that you are broken, insane, and the creator of all the problems, yet unable to see it. They want to disconnect you from your intuition so that it becomes your enemy. How? Anytime something happens in the relationship, you naturally blame yourself because they have installed a narcissistic interject in your head, which intervenes every single time, convincing you that it’s you, not them.
They Try to Change the Narrative.
Before I share all the ways to respond, I want to familiarize you with the concept of perceptual space. When a narcissist tries to gaslight you, they are essentially trying to change your perception of things. If they said something, they’ll say, “I never said that.” So, your perception is that they said it, but they are trying to change it to “it never happened.” They are trying to create an imaginary scenario where they are infallible, and you’re making things up. That is where you have to step in to protect yourself and take a stand internally. You have to stay firm in your resolve. What is the resolve? The resolve is: I know what happened. So, before you tell them anything, you have to tell yourself, “I know what exactly happened, and I am not crazy.”
Whenever a narcissist says something or does something with the aim of changing your understanding and perception of it, you have to recognize what is actually going on and then stay with it. Stick to it. They should not be able to move the goalpost; your eyes are locked on it. You know exactly what’s going on, and that is how you create perceptual space for yourself. Now, all the techniques that I’ll share will make more sense to you.
When a narcissist says, “I never said that,” do not ask, “Then tell me what you said,” or say, “No, I know you said that. Do you think I’m crazy?” They want you to get entangled in a fruitless argument, turning into a circular conversation that leaves you feeling crazy. Instead, take a step back and pause. Do not respond instantly. Notice what’s going on in your body, as I always suggest, and look at them with a soft gaze. Blink at least five times; this is called the blink strategy. Focus on those blinks while simultaneously recognizing what the narcissist is trying to do. Slowly respond and say something that creates perceptual space instantly. You can say something along the lines of, “Well, that is what I heard.” By saying so, you are clearly separating your perception from theirs and telling them that your perception is your reality, and it will not be dictated by them. You could also say, “I know what you said, and I don’t think I’m going to change that.” Just leave it there. Sometimes, giving no response is the best response, but in situations where you must say something, this is what you say. Do not justify or argue about what was said or heard. If they escalate and try to fight, you can say, “It doesn’t seem you are in the right state of mind to hold space for this conversation. Let me know when you are ready, and we will take this topic again.” By doing this, you put the responsibility back on them, where it belongs, and then you leave.
Technique 2
When a narcissist says, “You need help. You need to see a professional. You’re going crazy,” you could respond, “I need somebody who is helpful.” This response is not about changing their behavior but about creating perceptual space for yourself. Do not let their words make you think you’re losing it or being unhelpful. You say this to affirm your own perception, not to change theirs or to win the argument, as there is no winning with a narcissist. You could also say, “That is your opinion of me, and I see things differently, which is okay.” However, be cautious, as this can trigger narcissistic rage. Everything is criticism to a narcissist, and they might blame you for blaming them. They could even use this in a legal context against you. You have to be careful about what to say and when. You may say it in a way that doesn’t trigger significant consequences or legal issues. You could just say something that sets you free. What do you think a person should say in such a scenario? Drop your answers in the comments.
Technique 3:
If the narcissist says, “You are imagining things,” when you clearly know they belittled you or accused you falsely, do not try to prove yourself. Instead, create perceptual space by saying, “I do not imagine truth. I do not imagine facts.” This response asserts that you know the reality and are not willing to put up with their abuse. It tells them that you see through their manipulation. While it might not stop them from further attempts to gaslight you, it will make it harder for them to mess with you. They might still try, but they will know you are aware of the truth and are standing firm.
Technique 4
In situations where the narcissist becomes extremely violent, yelling and screaming, disengage immediately. If it’s a face-to-face conversation or a phone call, you can say, “I do not respond to that tone or volume. When you feel normal, we can talk about this again.” This response suggests that their behavior is abnormal and unacceptable. It implies concern for their well-being while firmly stating that you will not engage with them under those conditions. Then, cut the ties instantly and do not respond until they become cordial. When they act as if nothing has happened, play
along if necessary, but always keep your ultimate goal in mind: to get out of the toxic situation.
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